Brody is my fave

Either Brody loves the taste or smell of the floss I use, or my fingers ooze some sort of hormonal delight when my period is about to start and he can't get enough of it, licking and nibbling on my index fingers.

Eight hours is just too long for Brody not to be the center of my attention. Really, it's more like six. At that point, he'll start meowing in my face and pawing at me if I don't respond. He won't stop until I cuddle with him, which when I'm still sleep-logged, is not quite enough-- so when I finally actually wake up, he'll meow and meow and meow and lead me to the carpet where he circles and plops and looks up at me with his bedroom eyes. Or maybe living room eyes. If I don't sit on the carpet and devote a few minutes to petting and scratching him, he'll repeat the whole process. And in those few moments, our life is perfect. Nothing but me and him, cuddling and purring and loving.

And I don't even mind when he wakes me up with the need to be touched, because I understand it. Both of our love languages are touch. Sometimes, he'll even stretch out a little paw and lay it gently on some part of me, just to touch me or make sure that I'm there. And he'll spoon with me, putting his little head on my shoulder or in the crook of my elbow.

And I'll kiss his soft fur and smell his cat smell and I'll fall asleep.

Resolutions

1) Don't sleep in as often
2) Read more
3) Play my cello more
4) Try new recipes
5) Start knitting again
6) Learn how to play guitar
7) Continue to eliminate foods which are highly processed and full of preservatives from my diet. This might include soda, which will be very hard.
8) Eat fewer sweets (That kinda goes with #7)
9) Start exercising regularly (Doesn't that have to be included on everyone's resolution list???)

chart

It is the end of the year and everyone is talking about everything good and everything bad. So I will too.

It was a year of change and learning.

I learned how far I could get pushed until I snapped, when I just had to bite back at a customer or cry for a minute in the back. This was a good thing, I think.

I got married, and while this is a huge life-change, I don't feel much different. They say the fist year of marriage is the hardest, but the first six months seem fine. Although, we did seem to squabble about silly things more earlier in our marriage. This was a good thing.

We moved to a brand new city. This was mostly a good thing. I like it here. I feel like if I were the type of person to go out and experience life, this city would offer a lot. But, I miss being closer to family and actually having friends. But I love being in the same city as Mandy.

I feel like I got promoted at work. They like me here. They know I'm a hard worker and they appreciate me. This is very nice. Not that they didn't appreciate me at Shiloh, but I feel like I have more responsibility here.

I started baking bread and cooking more from scratch. Very good thing. I love baking bread. I love feeling the dough transform from a sticky glob to a smooth, elastic ball. I love knowing exactly what is going into my body. I love chopping vegetables. I love filling my kitchen, apartment, and building with the smell of delicious, healthy, homecooked food.

I started a garlic garden. I don't expect to get bulbs from it, but it was fun, and it's something that I want to do- especially when I have a yard. Good thing.

I got a cat. Good thing. I have never had an indoor cat for very long, and I forgot how nice it is. He is cuddly and sweet, the perfect cat for Ben and me.

I learned what it's like to be passed over. I suppose a lot of people have felt that way in the past few years. I hate not being able to get a job, especially when I know that I would be good at whatever I'm applying for. Not a good thing, but maybe it is in someway (like it's good that I don't have a real job, because I hate working...).

What else happened this year? I can't remember January through May. I worked at Bread Co. and the Y. I lived with two boys.

I loved teaching swim lessons.

I didn't love living with boys who I couldn't be naked or gassy around, but it wasn't horrible.

This is boring me.

Solstice

A NOCTURNAL UPON ST. LUCY'S DAY,
BEING THE SHORTEST DAY.
by John Donne

'TIS the year's midnight, and it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks ;
    The sun is spent, and now his flasks
    Send forth light squibs, no constant rays ;
            The world's whole sap is sunk ;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's-feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd ; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compared with me, who am their epitaph.

Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring ;
    For I am every dead thing,
    In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
            For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness ;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death—things which are not.

All others, from all things, draw all that's good,
Life, soul, form, spirit, whence they being have ;
    I, by Love's limbec, am the grave
    Of all, that's nothing. Oft a flood
            Have we two wept, and so
Drown'd the whole world, us two ; oft did we grow,
To be two chaoses, when we did show
Care to aught else ; and often absences
Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.

But I am by her death—which word wrongs her—
Of the first nothing the elixir grown ;
    Were I a man, that I were one
    I needs must know ; I should prefer,
            If I were any beast,
Some ends, some means ; yea plants, yea stones detest,
And love ; all, all some properties invest.
If I an ordinary nothing were,
As shadow, a light, and body must be here.

But I am none ; nor will my sun renew.
You lovers, for whose sake the lesser sun
    At this time to the Goat is run
    To fetch new lust, and give it you,
            Enjoy your summer all,
Since she enjoys her long night's festival.
Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's and the day's deep midnight is.



One of my favorite poems, written for St. Lucy's Day, which was believed to be the shortest day and longest night. It's celebrated on Dec. 13, obviously not the winter solstice, but that was before the calendar change and before modern technology could actually determine without fault the shortest day.

And here is my modernization of it, which I did for a poetry journal exercise my senior year of college.

December twenty-first. Midnight.

The sun sighed for seven hours—

no, the sun never existed; his rays

do not reach the dirt; they fizzle and

fade long before they are felt.

All the light in the universe is soaked in a sponge

held captive from the planets.

The thirsty earth drank our life-force to sate itself;

life shrinks to the foot of the bed, pulled by invisible forces;

it is dead, buried, forgotten; but this dead life laughs

compared to me. I am the epitaph on its forgotten tomb.

Learn from me if you plan on loving,

for I am everything that’s dead.

Love, like a cruel god, formed me from

common clay into His image.

A celestial subject from gray crud—

perfection from worn-down rocks sludging on the ground

eroded by time and weather.

He ruined me. Wetted my substance,

reformed my body leaving the surface raw,

lumped carelessly together,

leaving holes and filling them with

lack, blackness, loss—things that do not exist.

Everything else sucks in everything good,

as plants soak in the sunlight—without it, life falters;

I am, by love’s pottery wheel, the tomb

of things which are not. So many times

we threatened the world with our tsunami of sobs;

so many times we became swirling shadows when we

shared passion with other things; so many times we

became corpses, as our absences stole our souls.

But her dea—her dyi—her passing (she does not deserve it)

has destroyed all things of my being.

I was a man, was I not? Now, if I am a beast

I have some reason to remain, some purpose to prevail;

even plants—even slabs of lifeless cement can feel the

icy tentacles of hate grip their hearts, can swim in the

ocean of love. If I were a usual shadow,

a body must block the light.

But I am not; and my heart will beat for no one.

Go and love; the sun gives you light.

Enjoy the summer; snow will soon surround you.

But I will go to her and call this night hers,

since this is the year’s dim midnight.

:)

Had time to write creatively today.

It is awesome.

Baking

Henrietta

I haven't played my cello in a long time.

I want to.

But I will probably get a noise complaint.

What's the point of paying to live in a place if you can't live?

mustard

Going home over Thanksgiving, we experienced my niece Abby's first "blowout," albeit small. This may not seem like a big deal, but her parents both have a stain complex. Her yellow poop earned the name "mustard stain" and her onsie was thrown directly into the washer.

I wonder if they will survive...

one of those

Having one those moments when I think, "What am I doing with my life?"


Got a writing job. I sort of hate it. It is boring and dry and nothing I love about writing. But I suppose that is what happens when you just rewrite press releases.

Am thinking... maybe I shouldn't continue with this job. It is sucking my soul out a little, at least the part that has any free time to write. But. It is extra money. It looks good on a resume, probably.

And just because I like to write and am presumably ok at it does not mean that I have to do it for a living. I like to cook, and I don't do that for a living. Well, I guess I sort of do... :P

I need to find something that I like moderately and am good at and save my passions for my free time.

Or find a way to write the things I want to write for a living.

Or just get over it.

The thing I hate most about this writing job is that it is not flexible. I thought it would be since it is online and I can work from home. But they want you to basically act like you are in an office. You have to tell them when you won't be writing for a day. I don't want to do that. I feel like since it is online, I should be able to write when I want to write. I understand that they want the articles to be written in a timely manner. But I do not want to feel like my home is my office/prison. I want to be able to just take a fucking afternoon off to make bread if I goddamn feel like it. Is that so much to ask? NO, IT'S NOT!

But I guess I just have to get used to adulthood, where reality crushes all of your dreams and you wind up pushing paper and then babies out of your vagina to try to find happiness.

I was going to do so much when I was a kid. And now I'm doing none of it. And I don't even know what I want to do anymore.

Reality wins and the dreamer dies.

rememories

You know how TV shows and movies and people use the gag of getting your husband socks for Christmas? Well, socks were one of my favorite Christmas presents ever. They were black socks, long ones, from a woman I taught swim lessons with. She thought that my legs and feet must be too cold because I always wore short socks. And so, being motherly, she bought be a couple of pairs of longer socks. I wear them all the time and I think of her.

Isn't it weird how memory works? How it can elude some of us but bless others. Fool us. Confuse us. Make us argue over whose is right. I don't have a very good memory. I don't remember much of my childhood. And the things I do remember I am not sure are real. Like I remember my cat Frisky dying in my lap before I had to go to school. I think he peed and I had to change. Grandpa Bates had buried him by the time I got back.

But I don't know if that's real.

I remember cheating on a spelling test in first grade. I couldn't remember if "white" had an "h" in it. I was pretty sure it did, but just to check I got out an eraser from my box and checked my white crayon. Pretty clever. And I'm pretty sure that one is real.

I remember when my period leaked through my tampon in junior high so I spent the rest of the day with my sweatshirt tied around my waist. That one is real. I was in Mr. Browning's class when I discovered it. Well, I left to go to the bathroom.

I remember trying to keep the bees away from the table where I was selling apples by spilling a little bit of Sprite on the floor.

I remember my mom's boobs being the most comfortable place to lay my head.

I remember swim meets that lasted all day. I think I used to be good when I was little. Then I grew boobs.

I remember falling either off the diving block or just off the side of the pool and landing on the edge with my hoochie cooch. And my mom and sisters rushing me into the locker room to look at it to make sure it was okay.

I remember hunting for earth worms after it rained.

I remember the power going out and being mad that Becky and Mandy got to use the lantern to play a game because I wanted it to play make believe.

day off

I work six nights a week and my only day off is one of the days my husband works all day. How shitty is that?

But I love my day off. I get to catch up on a few things around the house. I get to watch a few TV shows on the interwebs. And I get to cook dinner. I love love love that part. I love making food. That is, I love actually making food, not just putting together sandwiches and salads that someone else has thought up. Tonight I made brocco mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. And it was delicious! And I served it by candle light :)

Last night, I closed bakery/register. I've only worked one time over there, and certainly never closed. But I guess it went alright. It's easy as shit.

I cleaned my fish tank today and am amazed at how clean the water is. I can't look away.

I bought vanilla wafers when I went shopping. Bad idea. I looooove them. Too much. What a simple thing to like so much... 

I think I like TV too much. It's funny, because I don't watch shows in real time. Only on the internet or via Netflix. But if I wanted to, I think I could spend a whole day just watching TV. This annoys me. I don't want to like it. But, I guess that TV has to be good, at least to someone, or else it would never get on the air or it would get cancelled after the first season or even after the first few episodes. So... good job I guess, TV people.

when the moon hits your eye

I've been craving pizza ever since I had to order some and not eat it. We needed the box for the film challenge for a scene we were filming that night. And we needed the pizza for a scene we would film later.

On Tuesday and Thursday, both days that Ben works, I toyed with the idea of ordering one. I went to Pizza Hut's website. Designed my pizza. But I didn't order it for some reason. Maybe I was too lazy to go pick it up and too cheap to have it delivered. More likely it was because I know I shouldn't be spending money blah blah blah.

Last night, I made myself a deal. I decided that if I got up early-- when Ben got up to go to work at 9-- and did some of the things I needed to do around the house, I would allow myself to splurge on a pizza. I have coupons, after all. Plus, they are having a $10 any pizza, any size, any toppings deal right now.  So, I would get up early, do some house work, write some thank yous, and get to order my pizza.

I told Ben, "Wake me up when you get up." And he did. And then he asked, "Are you sure you don't want to keep sleeping? It's so early. If I didn't have to go to work I'd sleep until 11." And dammit, that just planted the seed. Not that I'm blaming him at all, because let's face it, I would have stayed in bed anyway. But... I did get out of bed to say goodbye! And I didn't even sleep until 11. Only 10 something.

But... I didn't keep up with my end of the deal that I made with myself. :(

Fuck it. I still ordered pizza. BOO-YEAH!

thinkies

I hate when opera plays on the classical music radio station. I realize that singing operatically takes a lot of talent, but I feel like I can do a pretty spot-on impression with absolutely no opera training. It just sounds fake and goofy and I'd rather hear violins. Yes, this somewhat-cellist is saying she'd rather hear violins. VIOLINS! That's saying something.

I also hate when people take three minutes to cross the street. It's one thing if you are old. I don't mind that. But when you are young, and just taking your sweet time to hustle your bustle, I think you've probably forgotten that I'm driving a car and could crush your body with it if I was impatient enough.

Last night, I made broccoli soup. I started by making vegetable stock, so the whole soup was really homemade. Unfortunately, when I had planned to make supper be soup and grilled cheese, I didn't realize that the recipe I had was for just broccoli soup and not broccoli cheese soup. This was worrisome for me because Ben is not a huge fan of any soup, but especially not brothy soup. But I had already decided to make it, so I went ahead making stock and then soup. It turned out pretty good, and Ben liked it. He gave me a back rub for doing dishes and making supper. If only everyone were that appreciative when I gave them food!

I painted my nails last night. It's been years since I've painted my own fingernails. I didn't do too poor of a job, but it's not perfect. They are green. And then I accidentally dropped the brush and it landed on Brody's head... oops. I got most of it out with some soap and water. He wasn't too pleased, but he forgave me. And he didn't even notice the nail polish, so that's good.

Speaking of Brody, the other day when I was sure my period would be starting at any moment, I didn't feel like going into the bathroom to see if it had started yet, so I just peeked into my underwear. I looked up and Brody was sitting on the bed staring at me with wide eyes. Awkward.

I guess I "lost" my nanny job. The husband started having seizures every week and cannot travel, so the wife isn't going to travel either. I am sad about it. After his first seizure, he hadn't had one in six or seven months... I hope everything is okay. He loves his little boy a lot and I'd hate for Spencer to grow up without his daddy.

The film challenge is this weekend. It is going to be a challenge because I work every day of it. I did call off Saturday, but she accidentally gave me last Saturday off instead of this one, and then no one could work my shift. But I did get someone to cover the first three hours of it, thank God. I guess I should have just called off Friday, too. Oh well.

talkin bout my generation

I think that our generation is just better at rolling with the punches. I mean, we grew up with 9/11 (and as much as one might hate to admit it, it did affect us), we've seen the price of candy bars go from 50 cents to $1.09 (and the price of gas from I can't even remember to over $4.00), technology development and use went from little to everything, the recession was in full swing for most of us before or shortly after we entered the work force. We're a generation of an unstable world, one that hasn't stood still for a second. So while older people continue to evaluate the recession, fearing for their jobs, we evolve. We don't feel the drive to get a nine to five job. We find creative ways to make money and stick to a budget that we've never known not to stick to, and might not even be consciously aware of having. Because when you've grown up in an unstable world, you learn to wiggle with it. I think older generations need to learn from this. How many stories have I seen about someone who has been laid off and has been unemployed for several months? It's called looking for a job not in your field. Wiggle with it. It might not pay as much, but money is money, honey.


I wonder what kids now will be like when they're our age. I wonder what kids, who like the one I nanny, are constantly surrounded by technology, already know how to use an iPad at 15 months old, will be like.

this day

Today I'm feeling very good about life.
Maybe it is because
-it is a beautiful day, cold like fall, but sunny
-I have the day off
-the sky is bluuuueeee with some clouds which drift in and out, like in minecraft (ok so, this is like the first reason...)
-I have to work tomorrow, and then I get to have four days off, go to one of my past homes, see some family (only in-laws lol), and see Maggie!
-I'm not pregnant
-I'm sitting in a cafe in one of the prettiest parts of the city, in my opinion
-I'm with my husband, and soon my sister
-Minecraft updated today, a huge update we've (as in everyone who plays the game) been anxiously awaiting
-I get to use Charlie, the new computer Ben and I got, to play said updated Minecraft, which makes it even more exciting because I can play the game on "render distance far," which means that I actually get to see!!!
-I don't have to keep Charlie plugged in all the time
-I don't care about not having a plan for life, not that I cared before. But for some reason I feel really good about it today. Free. Able to do fucking anything. It's like I have the whole world in my hands. A world of possibilities. Boom.

So that's why it's a good day :)

timing

Present, past, future. The order in which I think. This is probably aided by the fact that I don't know my schedule on a week-to-week basis that far ahead of time. And because I know that I won't be working at Panera for the rest of my life (let's hope) but I don't know what's next.

But I have been thinking about "the future" lately. About what I want to do. I guess my main "problem" is that I don't want to be a literary scholar, which is a large part of what my degree prepared me for. I'd rather work in the creative parts. Creative writing or journalism, which I'm not as "well-trained" for. For which I am not as "well-trained." So... the future could include getting more training in one of those fields. Or maybe something completely different.

When I was still in high school, I entertained the thought of being a nurse. I like to help people, and what profession does so more than nursing? So... I might go back to school to be a nurse. Someday. Probably when Ben is done with his masters. Complete change...

And I still wonder if I wasted my money going to college. I know that I got a lot of good experiences from it. Friends, plays, band, intellectual growth, etc. But I am at the exact same point as I would have been if I had gone straight from high school into the work force. Except poorer, having spent all that money on my education and not earning any, save for a few meager dollars in the summer months. And more jaded, knowing that I could be, and should be, doing much, much more with my life. And more enriched from higher education, yes, but that plays into the poorer and jaded parts.

But... you know, for all the complaining I do, I'm not that unhappy. In fact, the only time I feel unhappy is when it's really busy at work when it shouldn't be, like at 3:00 pm- it just shouldn't be busy in between lunch and dinner. I don't know why it makes me so angry, but it does. Or like 10 minutes before close. That's just inconsiderate. Especially if you are ordering a lot of food and planning on eating it inside the restaurant. But other than that, I like my life a lot. I get days off in the middle of the week, which is super nice because everyone else is working! I don't have any serious commitment to my job, other than the fact that I want to keep it for the moneys, so I don't take my work home with me that much. I come home to loving husband. I live close to my sister. I have plenty of things to occupy my free time, although sometimes I forget that. And etc.

smh...

Sometimes I think the worst thing about working in the food service industry is seeing how much food people waste. They just leave half a salad uneaten on their table and leave. Can't even bother to throw it away themselves.

But today, it was worse. Some lady ordered a you-pick-two with a Caesar salad and chicken noodle soup. A few minutes later, she comes up and says that she needs to exchange it because she doesn't like it. Last I checked, restaurants sort of have a no return policy. But of course, I have to do what she asks. Plus the cashier told her to tell me to do it. This bothers me a lot because A) it is such a simple meal- not a lot of flavor or at least not a lot of unexpected and/or strange ones; B) she chose to order it, how can she not like it; C) how can she not feel guilty about wasting an entire meal (seriously, like one bite missing) when so many people in the world, and even this city, can't afford to eat every day, let alone at Panera? And okay, what do I expect her to do? She just spent at least 7 dollars on food she doesn't like. But, can't you just suffer through the meal and know for next time not to order that? It's not like the food is bad. Nothing we serve is disgusting. It's all eatable. Or edible, whatever. Or hell, she could have just exchanged half of it, replacing either the salad or the soup, instead of both! Does it make me a bad person to judge this woman? Maybe. But... just saying from the numerous people who search for food in our dumpsters, she's being a little.... self-centered.

where i'm going

I know the person that I want to be. It's so refreshing! And I know that it will take a while for me to get all the way there, but I know the direction.

So... I want to make my own food. My own bread, my own tortillas, my own hummus, my own black bean burgers, my own soup, etc. I don't want to have to rely on prepackaged, preservative-ridden, store bought foods. Well, you know... the finished products of food. I'll still have to buy the "raw" materials, such as flour.

I also want to grow what I can of my own food-- vegetables, herbs. That part will take a while since I don't have any growing space, though I suppose I could do some small things. Someday, when Ben and I get a house, I want my yard to be a garden, a field. No grass. Just things that I can harvest, or enjoy looking at (flowers, etc).

And... the final thing, which I am going to begin implementing as soon as I finish off the sandwich meat in my fridge... I'm going to be what I'm calling an at-home vegetarian. Which means that I am not going to be buying or preparing meat in my kitchen. If someone is offering me a meal which has meat in it, I will gladly eat it. If I go out to a restaurant and I want meat, I will not be ashamed to order it. And I'm doing this not because I'm one of those crazy vegetarian types, but for the environment. Livestock production apparently is responsible for 18 percent of worldwide greenhouse gas emissions, so if fatty Americans, who consume waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much meat, would cut meat out of their diet for even one day a week, the world would become a much better place and probably die a little less soon than on the track it is heading now. Of course, meat being expensive and me liking animals plays into the decision, but the environment impact of meat is just... sickening. So, I'm going to do my part, because I like Earth.

So, I'm kind of a hippie. So what? If I had any sewing skills, I'd make my own clothes, too.

The nanny

So... nannied this week. It was ok. Kinda weird because the dad was with almost the whole time. He had a seizure for some unknown reason and he hit his head during it, so he is unable to care for his son completely. He isn't supposed to hold him and he has lapses in memory. He is a very interesting guy, and he really loves his son. The baby is 15 months old, but is pretty small because he was born prematurely. He is not too fussy, which is super nice. And I think he's pretty smart. And cute. So, the family is from Tennessee, but currently stays in Cincinnati, and the mom has to come to Omaha to do training with ConAgra.

The first day, dad (Jimmy), baby, and I walked around the Old Market. Jimmy likes old architecture and taking photos, so he really enjoyed it. Baby fell asleep almost as soon as we started walking. He is soooo cute when he sleeps- both oh his hands under his head and his elbows out. Like a cool guy who's relaxing. Then I had to go work at Panera.

The second day, we went to Borders and then to Sears. (At Borders I was naughty and bought 3 books and a journal. Two of my books were cookbooks.) Jimmy likes to get out and do things, but it wears him out a lot. We ate lunch at my Panera. Then I had to go work there.

The third day, we went swimming! Baby loves the water :) and then Jimmy rested because he was not feeling well. He told me before he went into the other room that I might have to take him to the hospital because his doctors told him that if he has to take 5 pills or if he starts to lose his vision he needs to go to the hospital. Apparently he had already taken 4 and his vision was acting funny. Baby and I played while Jimmy rested and when baby's nap time came, I put him in the stroller and walked to Red Mango, which was just down the block from the hotel, so that I could have some delicious and he could sleep. We came back and I transferred him into the crib. Then Jimmy came out and was ravenous from his medication so we ate leftover Chinese food for lunch, but it woke the baby up in the process. He'd only been asleep for an hour, and was not ready to be awake... very cranky. After he ate, Jimmy laid down with him to get him back to sleep. They slept for like 4 hours! It was glorious! I napped a little and read a lot. And then I had to go work at Panera

The fourth day, Jimmy had to fly home because his grandpa had died. That left baby and me alone for most of the day. I didn't really want to go anywhere because it looked like it could rain, and I didn't really know where to go anyway. At his nap time, I laid down with him and it was soooo cute!!! He cuddled up next to me and spooned with me. So adorable. He fell asleep almost immediately, and I slept for like half an hour, and then I moved him into the crib. I read for a little and watched some TV. He woke up and I didn't think he had been sleeping for long enough, and indeed he hadn't. I brought him to the couch and he laid down with me and fell asleep again. I didn't want him in that room, so I tried to move him to the crib, but he woke up again. Very cranky. We laid down in the bed where he cried for a little bit but then fell asleep. I just left him there because I did not want to wake him up again ayyyyy! He woke up and a little while after it stormed pretty severely. He didn't seem to notice though. I was keeping an eye on the news and the sky. It even hailed. Mom got back late because of the weather. And when I got back to my apartment on the first night that I didn't have to go to work at Panera, the power was out. I was furious. Tired, hungry, and overworked.

On the last day, it was just me and baby again. My power was still out in the morning so I couldn't make my much needed coffee. I was a little out of it. We ate breakfast downstairs and I got some there, thank god. But when we got back to the room, I was still just very tired. So I watched some TV while he played. I felt a little guilty, like I should be interacting with him the whole time. But that gets boring after a little while because he only had a few toys since they flew in and he's not a great conversationalist. But don't worry, when he was in to watching the TV, I changed it to PBS. I also felt a little guilty because Jimmy doesn't like him watching too much TV. Wants his brain stimulated and such. Oh well. It was a short day because they had a 3:00 flight and I was so glad to come home to an apartment with power and to a husband whom I hadn't seen in years! Or so it felt.

So... I like the kid. Overall, it is easy, but kinda boring. Except when Jimmy is there making us go do things. It's so weird, playing this strange, adult version of house. A man, a woman, and a baby. I wonder how many people think that we are a family. I know some people do, and who can blame them?

It was an exhausting week, overall. I worked somewhere around 77 hours Saturday through Friday. And my schedule at Panera changed, so now I have to work Saturday through Thursday without a day off. UCK.

And... nothing else is on my mind. :'( hate weeks like that XP

more kitteh

It's amazing to me how much I care about a cat I have only known since Sunday. I love him. I stay up at night because I'm honored that he trusts me/us enough to sleep on my arm. I don't want to miss it. Last night, he was curled up next to me, head on my arm, purring. It was so cute. And then he stopped purring and I couldn't feel him breathing. A million things went through my head in an instant, mostly worry and fear. I quickly, but gently, placed my hand on his tummy and felt it move before he started purring again from my touch.

I love him! He's like my baby.

I hate when people can't understand how an animal can mean so much to a person. I hate when people think that animals can't truly love you. I've had pets all my life, and I can promise you that they do love you. The look on her face when you come home from a week-long vacation is proof enough, let alone the purring and kneading. The yearning to cuddle and lick and just be with you.

And I can promise you after just a few days of knowing and taking care of my new kitty, that I love him like he's a part of my family. Because he is.

kitteh

We have a kitty! :)

His name is Brody and he is very lovey :)

podcast

The podcast Ben and I did is up on iTunes! Search for Sunfire Squid! Yeehaw!

emotional

Am very emotional today. Made myself whole wheat pancakes, which cook very differently on a gas stove compared to electric. Then watched movie trailers on imdb.com. Cried at Harry Potter, Breaking Dawn Part 1, Winnie the Pooh, a different Harry Potter trailer, and a love documentary (I think called Love Etc.).

Was very emotional last night. Cried when alone in my apartment for the first time. Cried when my husband said he might see HP with his new school friends. Cried when I went to bed, all alone.

I don't want to go to work today. Or for the four days after that. Will have no one to come home to.

hmm

It's funny how much energy is taken out of you when you hate your job. But in a society where a job is your main source of identity, hating your job is like hating yourself.

I miss the person I was before I started working at Bread Hell. I used to be friendlier and less cuss-faced all the time.

an update.

Ben and I just recorded our first podcast. Maybe I should preface by saying that Ben and I are going to start doing a podcast. It's going to be a way for us to chronicle our lives and us trying to find our way, etc. We want to feature local bands and artists as much as we can. Well... as long as it can be audio. Ha. As stated before, we recorded our first one. Yay!

I think that that is what is going to keep us strong as a couple... doing creative things like that together. :)

Today we also went to PetCo with Mandy. We looked at gerbils and mice for her and Ben and I got two fishies. Just goldfish, but fantails. One is regular gold/orange and one is calico. They are super cute. The gold one is named Sunfire and the calico is named Squid.

Our apartment is basically done. There is one box that is not unpacked, and it is full of weddingish stuff, so I don't feel like doing it. I think everything else has a home! And it is starting to feel like a home now.

Tomorrow I start working again. So thrilled. Not. I love not working. I love lazily waking up in the morning, eating a bowl of cereal, watching the weather on TV, snuggling with my Benny... not a care in the world. Now that I think of it, I'll still be able to do that... except I'll have the shadow of impending work over my head. Boo.

But, I am hoping that since I'm in a new place, with new people, new customers, etc. that I won't be immediately returned to my prior state of hate. When I left Bread Co, I seriously hated my job, which made me hate my life a little bit.

Regardless, I still want to find a new job. One that will use my skills, or at least address the fact that I would like to not be working in food. Now that I have internet at home, it will be easier to start my search. I felt a little weird trying to search for a job while using internet from my future employer.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I also applied to the Y to be a swim instructor. I'm not sure that I'll get the job because they were looking for lifeguards/swim instructors. But we're going to need the extra income, I think. Being an adult is damn expensive. We'll need the extra income until I find a big-girl job! Thinking positively. The job listing only said two days a week from 7-11 am anyway, so that's not too bad. But... we'll see.

I've been struggling with direction again, or still. I don't know what I want to do. Something creative. Something useful. Not making sandwiches.  Alas, sandwiches! Woe is me!

MN

In Minnesota, they are destroying the land. Logging, mining, etc. I have no real right to care- I'm not a citizen of Minnesota, I don't own anything in Minnesota. But I've spent a week of my life there almost every summer since I was like 6. This year's trip was depressing. Whole stretches of forests have been cleared, leaving only a few scrawny trees. "More than they used to leave..." Dad and Gibson kept saying. This forest has already been destroyed by man once. And before it could regrow into its past glory, it is being destroyed again. Whole other stretches are marked for death, yellow or orange ribbons tied to trees to save. "Payment Unit" signs hung on the outskirts. National Forest land. The government selling its soul because they are so broke. And broken.

It's disgusting.

And mining. The land in Minnesota is full of shit- nickel, copper, iron, etc. The Point has made its living, as it were, on iron ore, ports built just to ship it and transport it. That's fine. Whatever. But now, foreign mining companies want to mine close to where the cabin where I've spent all these weeks of my life. That means 24 hours a day mining. Twenty-four hours a day trucks hauling. (Hauling what? Hauling ASS!) Twenty-four hours a day noise and destruction. New roads, less wildlife. It also poses the threat of poisoning the water that is around it. Something with the metals that they would be mining would cause the formation of sulfuric acid (I think) when exposed to moisture. This acid would then get into the water (in case you haven't heard, Minnesota is land of 10,000 lakes) which would kill fish and other aquatic life. So not only is it killing wildlife, it would disrupt peoples' jobs (I'm not sure how many people make a living off fishing anymore, but still...) and it would severely decline the number of visitors to the area, which would take away thousands of dollars from local businesses. And it would take away homes of people who live in the area that they are mining. So, just overall bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Okay, I'll get off my soap box.

Other than being disgusted by people's greed and lack of conservation, Minnesota was good. It was strange, being separate from my family, kept in the bedroom with Ben. But I suppose that's what marriage gives you.

The water was freezing, shocked your bones. But it was refreshing.

moving

We're all moved in to our new place. Not all unpacked. Sometime when my life is not quite so crazy I will write more about it.

For right now, some things I want to remember:
-Ben looking scared when I said that we probably wouldn't go anywhere without the other person for a while
-My husband wearing my grandpa's slippers
-Bob, the maintenance man in our building, calling us to make sure we got in alright
-The random 14-year-old who helped us move in
-Moving the box springs and couch in, through narrow, narrow stairs and doors (actually I might not want to remember that)
-Getting the title to my car and a new drivers license
-Organizing our life into tiny drawers
-My family helping me so much

The one with the wedding

I had a perfect wedding. It was beautiful and a little chilly and fun. I felt beautiful and happy and goofy. When I was brought up the hill on a golf cart I was nervous because everyone was watching. I was nervous to read my vows because I knew I would cry, and I did, but I made it through. And after we read them to each other and the preacher went on to talk about the symbols of the rings and how our love will never end, I had a feeling of immense peace wash over me, as if God was letting me know that, yes, our love is that strong and we will last forever. I suppose I did have a little bit of cold feet before the wedding, nothing serious, but this feeling of peace was wonderful. Reassuring. Reminding me of what I knew all along.

I think the best part about being married is that now everyone knows how much we love each other. My mother-in-law said on her facebook status that she didn't realize the raw depth of our love until she heard our vows we wrote for each other. I love that we could share that with our families.


In other news, I'm going to have a niece and I'm so excited!! And I got to hear her heartbeat because Becky bought a fetal doppler or something like that, so she can hear it at home. It was beautiful and amazing. I still don't want a baby, but it was beautiful to experience.

And here is the poem I wrote for our wedding:

Creeping in a cave, wet walls of slime at my blind fingertips

I was lost, searching for my way, seeing nothing

Empty caverns reflecting my heart

Still stumbling along senseless, my sight was shaped by a small sheen, swallowed by dark

Breathless I bathed in the blaze, amazed as it played on my flesh

My first taste of light, of your love, I longed for more

The dark, all I knew, turned wretched. I could not go back.

Warily, I went forward, not knowing what I would see, only knowing what I needed to

find

Another light, another torch, another smile

You

Circle by circle I chased the light, gulping down the glimmer

Insatiable

With every glow I needed more of it

Of you

Torch by torch you guided me through my once hopeless cave, igniting my steps with

your love

I trusted you, the light, and followed, not knowing where you were leading me.

And then I saw a very different kind of light, not yellow, but pure white

Unflickering and dazzling, I was brought to my knees in awe.

Colors exploded into my vision, things that I had never seen before filled my eyes

I’m basking in the immensity of your love and I can’t wait to explore this new world

with you.

almost there

I know I've said it a lot... but I can't believe I'm getting married in two days....!!

Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited. I think it's a stupid question. Of course I am. Maybe they ask because I'm not bursting at the seams trying to tell everyone everything about the wedding.

It almost doesn't feel real... like I'm just dreaming.

I think another thing is that I've known for years, longer than we've actually been dating, that I was going to marry this man. That certainty was scary at first. At twenty or however old I was I didn't want to already be tied down... and we were dating other people. Silly, isn't it? To date someone that when you already know you're going to marry someone else. I guess it was one of those feelings where you just want it to happen so badly that you trick yourself into feeling like it is fate. Maybe it was that at first. No, I don't think it was. I didn't want to like him. He was short and had two girls already fighting over him... I didn't want to get close to that drama. But I couldn't stay away...

I'm so excited to live in the same city as Mandy. It hit me today spending time with her, that we can see each other so much!!

I finished writing my vows.. finally. I'm just nervous that they're not good. Or that people aren't going to get what I'm saying, since it's a poem. But it will be okay :)

sort

Sitting on the floor in my closet doorway, I went through all of the crap that was completely covering the floor of the closet. I'm not sure how I have so much stuff. Most of it was stuff that I kept because it was meaningful at the time. Useless even then, it is more so now. But... I still find it hard to stuff those letters and notes into a garbage bag. Like I'm throwing away my memories. And I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing.

I found a couple of "love letters" from a past boyfriend. They were really precious and parts of them reminded me of Ben and I was creeped out.

Now... I just have to finish sorting this stuff in my room... very little left. And then I get to sort through everything else-- the stuff that I took to college and stuff. Oh boy.

I can't believe I'm getting married on Saturday. I need to write my vows eeeeek!

last day

Yesterday was my last day of work. It was anticlimactic. I wasn't expecting anything, but... I was disappointed that the day was just like any other day. I made paninis, I made sandwiches, I made salads. And then I was a few minutes late leaving because I was finishing making to-go Greek dressings. Nothing special. No closure?

Today I am moving out. I'm not ready to, only because I'm lazy and it is hot outside. And humid. I will not miss the humidity. I also don't want to hear mom yell at me for my poorly packed boxes. I'm not good at packing. I can't help it.

And when I get home... I get to sort through allllll of my stuff and decide what gets thrown away, what gets donated, and what gets to move with us to Omaha. A big task. How do people accumulate so much shit?

point

Maybe it's because I'm almost out, almost done, but everything seems worse than ever. The customers at Bread Co. are about .3 seconds from getting punched in the face from yours truly. My apartment is full of bugs. I dread work. I dread home. Okay, home isn't actually that bad, but the bugs are annoying.

Maybe it's because I can see daylight rushing into the mouth of this strange cave I've been exploring for the past year. So sick of dark, seeing the sun reminds me of how much I've missed light. Dark becomes unbearable. Or maybe I would have come to this point at this time no matter what. My breaking point. The point at which I have begun to wonder why I have cursed myself with low ambition and a hatred and fear of a real job. The point at which I realize I'm worth so much more than what Bread Co. can give me. Or the Y or this town...

I've packed up most of my kitchen things. It feels like I'm going home with much less stuff than I brought with. Maybe I am forgetting something big. I do often dream that our apartment actually has three bedrooms (wishful thinking), so maybe all my extra stuff is in there.

I'm getting married in 9 days.

I feel out of the loop.

I can't wait :)

I'm back!

It's been a long time. I need to get back on track.

In 2 weeks and 2 days I will be married! I can't believe it...

I had two showers this weekend. I didn't even really want one. They are very overwhelming. It's a weird contradiction for me-- I love being on stage and acting and being in the spotlight.... but I hate being the center of attention when I'm not on stage, especially when it's a room full of people watching me open gifts. At one point I asked my mother if I was doing everything right. That's a part of the reason I didn't want a big wedding too.

I think the thing I'm most nervous about is not being married, and not really the wedding, but moving! I don't want to have to pack up allllll my stuff. And I have to go through everything in my room! Blah! Of course, I am nervous about some aspects of the wedding. I hope it is a beautiful day, sunny but not too hot. And I hope everybody can find the place. They are dumb if they can't.

My last day at Bread Co is June 6. I am sad. I will miss my co-workers :(
My last day at the Y is Saturday. I'm not as sad. I will only miss a few co-workers. It is funny how we are working for a Christian organization but everyone is so selfish and stupid. I will miss what I do there. I won't miss my hair being nearly unbrushable from the chlorine.

I can't wait to have a month off!

So... instead of writing every day... I didn't. I failed. This was a failed experiment. I blame too much work and  Minecraft.

it's sunday!

So, it's Sunday, so I can cheat like the Catholics. They do that, right? I kind of think it's cheap, but since I've already worked on my new story thing today, I figured I could write on here.

What a time to give up writing about my life! Just when all the most interesting things are happening! Ben and I got engaged, and as much as I would like to tell you about fireworks, candles, flowers, etc. it was simple and nothing, but it meant everything.

Basically what happened was that at his friend's wedding I told him how we should get married, on the hill at my lake. He liked it. The day before he found out that he had gotten into grad school, so it looked like we would be moving to Omaha. And then he asked if we should get married before we move and I said sure. That's how it happened haha

I called my parents and told them the rough plan. I wasn't sure if they would be excited, but my mom really was. And still is. It's nice. She's having a fun time planning little things and thinking of the details. I hate planning. But this is about as spontaneous of a wedding you can get without eloping. It's going to be wonderful! I think the wedding will be perfect... I am dreading the receptions a little bit. Well, not "dreading." But those are going to take more planning... ick. Hahaha.

I sort of hate getting married. Not the fact that I'm getting married, but planning a wedding starts to make a person so self-centered. I'm sure anyone who has had a close friend or relative get married has noticed this. Conversation turns from normal things to only wedding talk. Brains stop functioning in normal wavelengths, but turn to wedding wavelengths. I noticed this a little bit in myself and I decided to try not to be only wedding-minded. I hope it is working. Looking at this blog, it isn't...

I also sort of hate being engaged. Everyone asks to see the ring and how it happened and when the wedding is and omg! aren't you so excited! Which is fine, but all the attention is making me nervous!

But I think the thing I'm most nervous about is the wedding night, where everyone will expect us to have sex. Gross. I don't like the thought of people knowing we're getting jiggy with it. AND I'm nervous about my first time...

So, the wedding will be June 11, with just family-- including aunts and uncles and cousins. I'll have a lot more people to invite than Ben will. He's got a tiny family. I'm so excited for the actual wedding and seeing all my family again. The next day, we'll have a little reception at my church for the extended extended family-- like great aunts and uncles, second cousins, etc. that live in the area and my church family and any high school friends that are in the area. Then I think the next week we'll have a reception in the STL area for all of our college friends, any of his HS friends and extended family, and our work friends. That one will be fun, if it happens the way I have in mind (see, self-centered-- all about MEEE!). The only problem with this one is that one of Ben's really good friends wants to help plan it, but she wants to make it a "real" reception. I don't like real receptions, this is why I'm not having one. I want it to be a costume party where we play games and eat cake! That's all.

And then in and around and during all of this, I have to move out of my apartment and then shortly after we are married we have to move out to Omaha. I'm getting quite nervous about this part. I've never moved this far away, I'll be a newly wed, we'll be a little poor, I'll have to find a new job, etc. I am going to ask if I can transfer to a Panera up there. Hopefully that will work. And then maybe I'll find a real job or something.

I am excited to move to Omaha. To be in a city where there are a lot of cool younger people. Artists. Theater. I'll have to audition a lot!

I still can't believe I'm getting married. And then moving. So many life changes... all in a month! I'm excited, nervous, and feeling like it is forever away.

So, the next step is telling my employers that I'm moving and hopefully being able to use them as references! And getting transferred..?

Alright. Apparently that is supposed to actually be spelled "all right" but I don't like that. Until Jesus rises...