2013

Assuming that the world won't actually end this month, I want to look forward to the next year.

My goals for 2013:
-- Take a "sabbatical" to figure out what I want to do with my life and to figure out how to become the person I used to be.
-- Actually complete (at least) one of my creative projects.
-- Audition for a play.
-- Learn new recipes.
-- Find a job that I love and will fulfill me.
-- Paint.
-- Write everyday.
-- Start knitting again.
-- Reconnect with my old friends.
-- Make some new ones. Ones who are artists or something.
-- Free my mind from the box that it's stuck in right now.
-- Get involved in my community.
-- Go back to school, if I so choose.
-- Figure out if I actually want to go back to school, and for what.
-- Have a dinner party.
-- Start speaking up more.
-- Enjoy every moment I have with my Benjers.
-- Become better friends with my sis.
-- Travel.
-- Try to enjoy being a quarter of a century old.
-- Make more films!
-- Read more books.

me

On Facebook I said that I missed the me I used to be.

I used to be fun, easygoing, positive, happy.

Now, I am negative. Cynical. Stressed out most of the time. Judgmental. Bitter.

But most of all, I used to be passionate about so many things. Writing, acting, music, reading, creating, cooking, doing new things, being with people, sex!

Now... I don't really feel passionate about anything. I've forgotten who I am, what makes me me. And I need to get back to that, to who I am, to what makes me the fireball of positivity and energy that I can be.

But how do I do it?

I keep blaming my job for doing it, for crushing me. And it does play a huge part. But if I quit, will that solve anything, or will I just be a poor cynical Libby? I'll have to find a new job. But where do I look? I've forgotten what I used to be so passionate about, what I used to be good at. And how do I market that to employers?

I hate this. Feeling like this. And needing to complain about it. I'm blessed to have a good-paying, steady job. To have health. To have a loving husband and kitty. But I'm so bitter. I can't appreciate it. I just want to be me again. And I'm so scared that this is me now. No going back.

hide

there isn't much space to hide here
where every room looks into the other
and the most important things are on display
on a shelf of dust

if I could hide away I could
germinate
grow
produce

but what grows in isolation
no bee to pollinate me
no wind to carry my seed
only dust to gnaw on
and spiders

Stories

I want to be a teller of stories. That's what I want from life. I don't care if it is through writing, acting, filmmaking... I just want to tell stories.

I've been developing a crazy dream where I go to nursing school and when I graduate I work with the elderly and record their stories somehow, probably through writing. They have such important things to say, to teach all of kids who know nothing about living hard lives.

Who knows if it will happen.

work/life\work

On paper, I have a pretty good life. I'm getting promoted at a company that generally treats its employees and customers very well. I'm happily married. I'm more financially secure than some people. I'm healthy. Yadda yadda yadda.

But it's not the life I want.

I guess what I have to face is the fact that the life I want might not ever happen.

And don't get me wrong, this life isn't bad. It's just... not what I was hoping for.

I'm tired everyday, all the time, from working 9 or more hours on my feet, dealing with the constant stress of making everybody within a mile radius fucking happy, while serving them quickly and efficiently with not very many people to help me.

I'm too tired to do what I love to do. Instead, I come home and sit my fat ass on the couch and watch Netflix or Hulu or Youtube or surf the web, check Facebook where there is no real communication. Because that is easier than using energy to read, write, make films, cook.

I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning because I'm too tired.

And now, I'm going to be working even more, driving farther, having more responsibilities.

When will I have the time and energy for myself?

It's not that I'm ungrateful for my career or the opportunities I've been given. I'm learning a lot and growing some. It'll look good on a resume... for jobs I don't care to work.

I guess I just miss dreaming, and actually believing that those dreams have the possibility of coming true.

my favorite songs

Wind blowing through fishing line. Haunting and high pitched, just a step above imaginary. 

The strum of an in-tune cello. The open strings playing together.

The ring of note played in tune. Hanging in the air, it sings with all the strings.

Cicadas. Buzzing about summer and the heat and returning to normal.

Minnesota

They didn't go there for the lakes or the fishing or the wildlife

they didn't go there to escape the modern world

shut out technology

They went there to reap

to take

to mine

to log

to destroy

greedily, they took trees and iron ore

sent it off

mad money

The trees regrew

mines changed or emptied

Now I can go there for the lakes and the fishing and the wildlife

to escape the modern world

shut out technology

But they will reap again

leaving the earth's belly empty and soured

her face pocked and disfigured 

And where will I go?

Fur

cream, they called it
or light orange
really it's more like wheat
fields of it ripping in
the sun
and wind
not quite the hue of dead grass
it has more life
like a lion

some things

There's a spider who has set up his home in my living room. I am well aware of him, and of his friends scattered throughout my apartment. One by the front door, one by the radiator, one in the bathroom. More that I do not know of. But they are spindly-legged and their webs, at least one of them, is littered with the drained bodies of tiny ants, so I leave them be and thank them for being hungry and having sticky webs.



Ben and I go grocery shopping a lot. The employees must recognize us, which I imagine would be hard in a large grocery store with lots of customers. But I suppose that is what you get when your diet consists largely of vegetables and fruits. I love having fresh fruits and veggies on hand at most times. I feel like I can just whip up anything to eat. The other day I made corn on the cob and mashed sweet potatoes. Tonight I'm going to make a veggie stew to serve over mashed (regular) potatoes.



The Olympic swim trials are happening right now. It has been making my job very, very, very busy. The same people have been coming to Panera every day that I've been working. Literally. I mean, we have a lot of returning customers... but usually they come like once a week. I feel like if I were in a different city, I would want to explore the unique eateries and attractions that place had to offer, as opposed to going to a chain restaurant.



I'm too mellow for competitive sports. I'm watching the gymnastic trials right now, and I feel sad knowing that most of the athletes there will not be going to the Olympics. I mean, their lives will go on, but I just feel sad for them. I want everyone to win.



And in a way, I'm jealous of those athletes competing to go to the Olympics. Not of their skills, but because they know what they want to do. I'm lost. I don't want to be a manager at Panera... but here I am. But I don't know what I want. It's the same thing I've been saying over and over again, I know. But how can I not have a dream?

kid

In many ways, I don't feel like an adult.

I'm married, I am a manager, I pay my own bills.

But I still feel like a little kid sometimes, like I don't know how to do things.

For anyone who doubts the power of a book

I cried in Barnes and Noble last night.

I had searched out a copy of The Runaway Bunny. My favorite book as a child. I had probably read it to my dad a thousand times. I took it to school and read it to my class. And last night, as I started to read it to Ben, I cried. Tears that had surprised me, but not really because the book is so beautiful and simple.

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, 'I am running away.'
'If you run away,' said his mother, 'I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.'"



And the mother always finds her little bunny.

night

The other night as I was just about to fall asleep, a rush of love washed over me and I couldn't believe that I was laying down next to my husband, the love of my life. I knew he was probably asleep, but I reached over just to touch him. To make sure it was real. My hand found his and he squeezed my thumb.

Yep, it's real.

yellow

yellow plate
matching yellow mug
grilled cheese and coffee
happiness

views

the view from my window is mostly leaves
freshly unfolded
the tree has lost its bloom
its scent
its falling petals
it is just a tree now
with leaves that block my sight
and wave to us

Lottery

If I won the lottery, I would spend my money on education. I would learn meteorology. I would learn how to play guitar. I would study culinary arts. I would buy a small house on a lot of property. I would fill the earth with seeds, grow my food, raise animals, sell their products at a farmers market.

It is good

It is good to enjoy being bad, every now and then
to be vain, every now and then
to indulge, every now and then
to say yes, every now and then
to say no, every now and then

It is good to know that I am beautiful all the time
even with a pimple on my chin and in my eyebrow

It is good to know that I have something to offer to the world
all the time

It is good to work with my hands and feel the earth and myself tied and tethered and stuck together
all the time

It is good to breathe in air and know that every molecule has been breathed in by someone else, recycled through their lungs, and provided back to me for life.

It is good to notice small changes in life
all the time

It is good to believe in something, even if undefined, too big to be worded
all the time

crabapple

the crabapple petals are falling
drifting down like wind-blown ballerinas
a fragrant spring snow covers the ground

it is time to be wed.

standing in my kitchen
pineapple discs dripping juice down my arms
and down my chin
the perfect day
if only for a sticky moment

peep

I do not see the world when I look through my peephole
just my neighbor's door-- 10
it is dim
when I move my eye around, I cannot even see the stairs or who is running up them
I only see the inside of the peephole
which looks much longer than it ought to
with scraped edges as though my eye was a blade

It isn't as though I expect to see the world when I peer through it
but more than just my neighbor's door-- 10-- would be nice

I suppose it is good that I cannot see more
or else I'd take to spying
standing at the door trying not to breathe or creak
as I watch what people do
just going up and down the stairs, I suppose
but how can I know if all I can see is my neighbor's door-- 10

Helix

What makes a person what she is?
A mass of DNA, RNA, experiences, collective unconscious.
And what if she wants to change "who" she is?
Unravel the spirals, the memories, reform and rebuild.

So is it possible for someone to actually change? Is it possible for someone to say, "I'm going to stop being so selfish/mean/unhappy"? Or are we just stuck with who we are?

mememe

Taking another me-day. Because I deserve it.

Here's the thing... you know the Occupy movement and the whole 99% thing? And you know the people who are not the 1% but don't like the movement and post pictures with their handwritten things that say stuff like, "I'm the 99% but instead of complaining I work hard all day and don't expect handouts?" etc? Well, I don't believe that people should have to have more than one job to survive. It sucks. I don't believe that people should have to work to put themselves through college. That would suck.

I'm not claiming to know everything about the Occupy movement, but I'm pretty sure that one of their things is that it's not fair for the 99% to have to work their asses off day in and day out, just to make ends meet, just because some idiots on Wall Street fucked up our economy and shit.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that every now and then, I like to pretend that I only have one job. It makes my life a lot better. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be working alllllllllllll of the time. See my last post.

Therefore, today is a me-day. I'm not writing, I'm not making sandwiches. I'm sitting, because I just got paid to stand up for about 40 hours this week. I'm enjoying my down time.

Yahoo!

Here's some pictures from my photo shoot(s) with Brody

Here I am, Life!

Today, I'm taking a me-day. Well, more of a me-morning. I stayed in bed until I wanted to get out, not until I thought I should get up and write a few articles for work. I read some Yahoo articles. I had a photo shoot with Brody. I pampered him a little bit. I made coffee. I wrote the rent check. I have not worked. And I think that's okay.

This week is about boundaries. It's about knowing that it's more than okay for me not to work before I go to work and work when I get home from work. It's about taking time for myself, doing what I want to do, not being a slave to money. It's about loving myself and loving those in my life.

Here are things that I want to do more of:
Creative writing
Baking
Cooking
Reading
Playing the cello (which I finally did the other day!)

It's about reclaiming myself, who I want to be. It's about being the happy, spontaneous, goofy person that I used to be before employment embittered me.

--

I no longer feel the need to write,
the creative juices drained from my body
like blood from a corpse.
Where is an elixir that I can drink
to make me a sponge?

feed

My new challenge for myself is to always tell people when they are doing a good job, whether it is by filling out a comment card, tipping really well, or leaving an online review.

I know from firsthand experience that when you are trying really hard to be awesome and treat your customers so well and there's no thank-you, that it sucks. And at Panera, we ask people to fill out a survey that's at the bottom of every receipt! So it's really easy.. but people don't do it very often. They even have a chance to win $2000!

So, I've decided to leave positive feedback as often as I can.

For instance, today, I tipped my hairdresser for a free bang trim that took two minutes. And when Ben and I were travelling on Christmas Eve, we stopped at a gas station around 9 p.m. It was busy (and a holiday) but all the workers were friendly. I sent in a comment card.

You know that feeling you get when someone compliments you? That feeling of pride or surprise surging up from your depths, smacking a smile on your face? Don't you want to give that to as many people as you can?

Fear #2

My second biggest fear is developing an allergy to something that I love. I've been heard of that happening. I think that allergies that develop later in life will just suck no matter what, but especially if it was something good. Like soy. Soy is in everything. Or gluten. If I became allergic to gluten, my life might be over.

fear

I think my biggest fear is not finding what I'm best at-- that thing which defines me, sets me apart, my passion.

And what if it is something that I won't ever try or have the chance to? Like... ballet, or being a doctor, or meteorology? And then I'll never know.

But I suppose someday, I'll know what my life's passion is. And I suppose that it is already something that I know, something that I do. I just have to clear away the other things.

b-day suiting up

My birthday is soon. Wednesday. I have the day off from Panera. Last year I worked. And I took in scotcheroos to share with my co-workers. Because I'm awesome.

Birthdays, after a certain age, never really seemed too exciting. Of course. Everyone knows that. But some of my friends (read: not good friends, but more than acquaintances) still to this day, even though they are around my age, are like OMG IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK GONNA CELEBRATE ALL WEEK IT'S ALL ABOUT MEEEE!

I'm not into that.

I do, however, miss getting a little excited for my birthday. I miss the parties I threw in high school where my mom and I built tunnel systems out of cardboard boxes in our house. One was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle themed. Everyone got a TMNT-inspired mask in either blue, orange, purple, and red when they came. I was dressed as Splinter, the rat sensei. One year, it was superhero themed and everyone I invited got a unique superhero name for which they had to make up powers and a costume. For both parties, my guests had to enter through the refrigerator box labyrinth. Those parties were a lot of fun.

And my 21st was fun. Drinking in my apartment on a dry campus with a bunch of friends. Very drunk.

But, for the past couple of years, it's just sort of been... oh it's my birthday? Cool. Another year closer to death.

Maybe this year will be better.