moving

We're all moved in to our new place. Not all unpacked. Sometime when my life is not quite so crazy I will write more about it.

For right now, some things I want to remember:
-Ben looking scared when I said that we probably wouldn't go anywhere without the other person for a while
-My husband wearing my grandpa's slippers
-Bob, the maintenance man in our building, calling us to make sure we got in alright
-The random 14-year-old who helped us move in
-Moving the box springs and couch in, through narrow, narrow stairs and doors (actually I might not want to remember that)
-Getting the title to my car and a new drivers license
-Organizing our life into tiny drawers
-My family helping me so much

The one with the wedding

I had a perfect wedding. It was beautiful and a little chilly and fun. I felt beautiful and happy and goofy. When I was brought up the hill on a golf cart I was nervous because everyone was watching. I was nervous to read my vows because I knew I would cry, and I did, but I made it through. And after we read them to each other and the preacher went on to talk about the symbols of the rings and how our love will never end, I had a feeling of immense peace wash over me, as if God was letting me know that, yes, our love is that strong and we will last forever. I suppose I did have a little bit of cold feet before the wedding, nothing serious, but this feeling of peace was wonderful. Reassuring. Reminding me of what I knew all along.

I think the best part about being married is that now everyone knows how much we love each other. My mother-in-law said on her facebook status that she didn't realize the raw depth of our love until she heard our vows we wrote for each other. I love that we could share that with our families.


In other news, I'm going to have a niece and I'm so excited!! And I got to hear her heartbeat because Becky bought a fetal doppler or something like that, so she can hear it at home. It was beautiful and amazing. I still don't want a baby, but it was beautiful to experience.

And here is the poem I wrote for our wedding:

Creeping in a cave, wet walls of slime at my blind fingertips

I was lost, searching for my way, seeing nothing

Empty caverns reflecting my heart

Still stumbling along senseless, my sight was shaped by a small sheen, swallowed by dark

Breathless I bathed in the blaze, amazed as it played on my flesh

My first taste of light, of your love, I longed for more

The dark, all I knew, turned wretched. I could not go back.

Warily, I went forward, not knowing what I would see, only knowing what I needed to

find

Another light, another torch, another smile

You

Circle by circle I chased the light, gulping down the glimmer

Insatiable

With every glow I needed more of it

Of you

Torch by torch you guided me through my once hopeless cave, igniting my steps with

your love

I trusted you, the light, and followed, not knowing where you were leading me.

And then I saw a very different kind of light, not yellow, but pure white

Unflickering and dazzling, I was brought to my knees in awe.

Colors exploded into my vision, things that I had never seen before filled my eyes

I’m basking in the immensity of your love and I can’t wait to explore this new world

with you.

almost there

I know I've said it a lot... but I can't believe I'm getting married in two days....!!

Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited. I think it's a stupid question. Of course I am. Maybe they ask because I'm not bursting at the seams trying to tell everyone everything about the wedding.

It almost doesn't feel real... like I'm just dreaming.

I think another thing is that I've known for years, longer than we've actually been dating, that I was going to marry this man. That certainty was scary at first. At twenty or however old I was I didn't want to already be tied down... and we were dating other people. Silly, isn't it? To date someone that when you already know you're going to marry someone else. I guess it was one of those feelings where you just want it to happen so badly that you trick yourself into feeling like it is fate. Maybe it was that at first. No, I don't think it was. I didn't want to like him. He was short and had two girls already fighting over him... I didn't want to get close to that drama. But I couldn't stay away...

I'm so excited to live in the same city as Mandy. It hit me today spending time with her, that we can see each other so much!!

I finished writing my vows.. finally. I'm just nervous that they're not good. Or that people aren't going to get what I'm saying, since it's a poem. But it will be okay :)

sort

Sitting on the floor in my closet doorway, I went through all of the crap that was completely covering the floor of the closet. I'm not sure how I have so much stuff. Most of it was stuff that I kept because it was meaningful at the time. Useless even then, it is more so now. But... I still find it hard to stuff those letters and notes into a garbage bag. Like I'm throwing away my memories. And I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing.

I found a couple of "love letters" from a past boyfriend. They were really precious and parts of them reminded me of Ben and I was creeped out.

Now... I just have to finish sorting this stuff in my room... very little left. And then I get to sort through everything else-- the stuff that I took to college and stuff. Oh boy.

I can't believe I'm getting married on Saturday. I need to write my vows eeeeek!

last day

Yesterday was my last day of work. It was anticlimactic. I wasn't expecting anything, but... I was disappointed that the day was just like any other day. I made paninis, I made sandwiches, I made salads. And then I was a few minutes late leaving because I was finishing making to-go Greek dressings. Nothing special. No closure?

Today I am moving out. I'm not ready to, only because I'm lazy and it is hot outside. And humid. I will not miss the humidity. I also don't want to hear mom yell at me for my poorly packed boxes. I'm not good at packing. I can't help it.

And when I get home... I get to sort through allllll of my stuff and decide what gets thrown away, what gets donated, and what gets to move with us to Omaha. A big task. How do people accumulate so much shit?

point

Maybe it's because I'm almost out, almost done, but everything seems worse than ever. The customers at Bread Co. are about .3 seconds from getting punched in the face from yours truly. My apartment is full of bugs. I dread work. I dread home. Okay, home isn't actually that bad, but the bugs are annoying.

Maybe it's because I can see daylight rushing into the mouth of this strange cave I've been exploring for the past year. So sick of dark, seeing the sun reminds me of how much I've missed light. Dark becomes unbearable. Or maybe I would have come to this point at this time no matter what. My breaking point. The point at which I have begun to wonder why I have cursed myself with low ambition and a hatred and fear of a real job. The point at which I realize I'm worth so much more than what Bread Co. can give me. Or the Y or this town...

I've packed up most of my kitchen things. It feels like I'm going home with much less stuff than I brought with. Maybe I am forgetting something big. I do often dream that our apartment actually has three bedrooms (wishful thinking), so maybe all my extra stuff is in there.

I'm getting married in 9 days.

I feel out of the loop.

I can't wait :)