work/life\work

On paper, I have a pretty good life. I'm getting promoted at a company that generally treats its employees and customers very well. I'm happily married. I'm more financially secure than some people. I'm healthy. Yadda yadda yadda.

But it's not the life I want.

I guess what I have to face is the fact that the life I want might not ever happen.

And don't get me wrong, this life isn't bad. It's just... not what I was hoping for.

I'm tired everyday, all the time, from working 9 or more hours on my feet, dealing with the constant stress of making everybody within a mile radius fucking happy, while serving them quickly and efficiently with not very many people to help me.

I'm too tired to do what I love to do. Instead, I come home and sit my fat ass on the couch and watch Netflix or Hulu or Youtube or surf the web, check Facebook where there is no real communication. Because that is easier than using energy to read, write, make films, cook.

I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning because I'm too tired.

And now, I'm going to be working even more, driving farther, having more responsibilities.

When will I have the time and energy for myself?

It's not that I'm ungrateful for my career or the opportunities I've been given. I'm learning a lot and growing some. It'll look good on a resume... for jobs I don't care to work.

I guess I just miss dreaming, and actually believing that those dreams have the possibility of coming true.

my favorite songs

Wind blowing through fishing line. Haunting and high pitched, just a step above imaginary. 

The strum of an in-tune cello. The open strings playing together.

The ring of note played in tune. Hanging in the air, it sings with all the strings.

Cicadas. Buzzing about summer and the heat and returning to normal.

Minnesota

They didn't go there for the lakes or the fishing or the wildlife

they didn't go there to escape the modern world

shut out technology

They went there to reap

to take

to mine

to log

to destroy

greedily, they took trees and iron ore

sent it off

mad money

The trees regrew

mines changed or emptied

Now I can go there for the lakes and the fishing and the wildlife

to escape the modern world

shut out technology

But they will reap again

leaving the earth's belly empty and soured

her face pocked and disfigured 

And where will I go?

Fur

cream, they called it
or light orange
really it's more like wheat
fields of it ripping in
the sun
and wind
not quite the hue of dead grass
it has more life
like a lion

some things

There's a spider who has set up his home in my living room. I am well aware of him, and of his friends scattered throughout my apartment. One by the front door, one by the radiator, one in the bathroom. More that I do not know of. But they are spindly-legged and their webs, at least one of them, is littered with the drained bodies of tiny ants, so I leave them be and thank them for being hungry and having sticky webs.



Ben and I go grocery shopping a lot. The employees must recognize us, which I imagine would be hard in a large grocery store with lots of customers. But I suppose that is what you get when your diet consists largely of vegetables and fruits. I love having fresh fruits and veggies on hand at most times. I feel like I can just whip up anything to eat. The other day I made corn on the cob and mashed sweet potatoes. Tonight I'm going to make a veggie stew to serve over mashed (regular) potatoes.



The Olympic swim trials are happening right now. It has been making my job very, very, very busy. The same people have been coming to Panera every day that I've been working. Literally. I mean, we have a lot of returning customers... but usually they come like once a week. I feel like if I were in a different city, I would want to explore the unique eateries and attractions that place had to offer, as opposed to going to a chain restaurant.



I'm too mellow for competitive sports. I'm watching the gymnastic trials right now, and I feel sad knowing that most of the athletes there will not be going to the Olympics. I mean, their lives will go on, but I just feel sad for them. I want everyone to win.



And in a way, I'm jealous of those athletes competing to go to the Olympics. Not of their skills, but because they know what they want to do. I'm lost. I don't want to be a manager at Panera... but here I am. But I don't know what I want. It's the same thing I've been saying over and over again, I know. But how can I not have a dream?

kid

In many ways, I don't feel like an adult.

I'm married, I am a manager, I pay my own bills.

But I still feel like a little kid sometimes, like I don't know how to do things.

For anyone who doubts the power of a book

I cried in Barnes and Noble last night.

I had searched out a copy of The Runaway Bunny. My favorite book as a child. I had probably read it to my dad a thousand times. I took it to school and read it to my class. And last night, as I started to read it to Ben, I cried. Tears that had surprised me, but not really because the book is so beautiful and simple.

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, 'I am running away.'
'If you run away,' said his mother, 'I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.'"



And the mother always finds her little bunny.